If anybody out there is wondering where the hell I've been and what the bollock I've been doing since you last heard from me, just give me a chance to explain.
Over the course of the past month I have:
1.) Undergone an operation at the Christie Hospital
2.) Passed my MA course with a Distinction
3.) Finished learning the Georgian alphabet
4.) Been stricken with a horrible virus
5.) Suffering from post-viral exhaustion
I am afraid that I also looked up 'steam cleaning teeth' on Google - and discovered that that stupid old ratbag Liz Jones happens to be telling the truth about this rather esoteric sounding health and beauty treatment. However, you'll be glad to hear that no way am I daft enough to actually sign up for a course of it.
And of course I haven't forgotten the lovely Dr Frogg.
So just relax and give me a break, would you?
