As someone whose get-up-and-go gets up and goes on a pretty regular basis, I completely fail to understand this modern obsession with being constantly on the go.
If you believe the claims of women's magazines and advertisers, a woman of my approximate age and education level should last have sat down and put her feet up some time back in mid-1994. Because the hectic pace of modern life is that relentless that I quite literally do not ever get the time to take a moment or two to myself, that's why I'm assumed to need such 'essentials' as Starbucks takeaway tall skinny cappucino lattes, plastic pots of cereal with the milk already poured into them, trainers you do up with strips of velcro and paper knickers that you can recycle as bog paper should you unfortunately get caught short when forced to partake of a quick whazz during your weekly supermarket sweep of Tescos (or Waitrose I should be shopping in, only I'm still not possessed of the budget to purchase more than a £10 Friday night dinner for 2 special).
And apparently I'm meant to be as grovellingly grateful as Uriah Heep for the opportunity to spill a river of semi-skimmed milk and cornflakes down my just-back-from-the-drycleaners trenchcoat as I dash up the escalators at Covent Garden tube station, not even having enough time to let the automatic stairs give my poor weary limbs a lift up to the surface.
Let's be honest here - lacking a husband and kids is probably a massive help.
Tuesday 29 November 2011
Monday 28 November 2011
The amazing wisdom of the subconscious
If the subconscious human brain is meant to be a creative artist of great untapped genius, it still needs the help of a damn good editor.
For proof, let me refer you without further ado to my very own mind. I woke up this morning from a positive Brazilian telenovela of a dream about an alcoholic tramp who died alone and unmourned. His body then ended up getting mummified (quite how, alas I now couldn't tell you. It may possibly have been by some rare natural process, though). Through a chain of the most unlikely coincidences, it got stolen by loads of different people and ends up going on adventures with them all.
Yet it all seemed ineffably brilliant and compelling as I watched it on the screen of my mind's eye. Yes, but remember I was akip at the time! My conscious, critical side was taking a well-earned rest from reality for the duration.
Just the other morning, I woke up with the words The Girl With A Different Life Next Door clamouring ceaselessly through my mind.
No doubt Sylvia Browne and her spirit guide Francine would say that whoever it is from the Other Side who has taken on the onerous task of mentoring me for my writing work over here has infused this title to me, as I am meant to be taking the piece down and getting it published under my current name on this side. Well, if that’s true, could you lot over there please send me the rest as soon as you’re ready? Me and the trusty laptop are waiting.
By the way, I’ve now looked up the title on Google – and it doesn’t seem to exist in our reality yet.
It's all starting to remind me rather uncomfortably of the tale of Henry James' psychologist brother William waking up one morning convinced that he had been told the great secret of the relationship between the sexes during his dreams the night before.
Guess what it turned out to be?
Higamous hogamous
Woman is monogamous
Hogamous higamous
Man is polygamous.
Someone else whose name I can't presently recall, so will need to look up, reckoned that God gave them the gift of writing immortal poetry in their dreams. They too kept a handy pad and pen beside the bed, which they used to scribble down the only fragment of the towering verse that they could remember on waking:
It was a miracle of strange device
A [something totally incongruous- cockroach, perhaps? Better check this one out, too] made of snow and ice ...
Like I say, all in bloody dire need of a tough sub-editor.
Maybe THAT'S what we over here are meant to do with the information that gets 'infused' to us?
For proof, let me refer you without further ado to my very own mind. I woke up this morning from a positive Brazilian telenovela of a dream about an alcoholic tramp who died alone and unmourned. His body then ended up getting mummified (quite how, alas I now couldn't tell you. It may possibly have been by some rare natural process, though). Through a chain of the most unlikely coincidences, it got stolen by loads of different people and ends up going on adventures with them all.
Yet it all seemed ineffably brilliant and compelling as I watched it on the screen of my mind's eye. Yes, but remember I was akip at the time! My conscious, critical side was taking a well-earned rest from reality for the duration.
Just the other morning, I woke up with the words The Girl With A Different Life Next Door clamouring ceaselessly through my mind.
No doubt Sylvia Browne and her spirit guide Francine would say that whoever it is from the Other Side who has taken on the onerous task of mentoring me for my writing work over here has infused this title to me, as I am meant to be taking the piece down and getting it published under my current name on this side. Well, if that’s true, could you lot over there please send me the rest as soon as you’re ready? Me and the trusty laptop are waiting.
By the way, I’ve now looked up the title on Google – and it doesn’t seem to exist in our reality yet.
It's all starting to remind me rather uncomfortably of the tale of Henry James' psychologist brother William waking up one morning convinced that he had been told the great secret of the relationship between the sexes during his dreams the night before.
Guess what it turned out to be?
Higamous hogamous
Woman is monogamous
Hogamous higamous
Man is polygamous.
Someone else whose name I can't presently recall, so will need to look up, reckoned that God gave them the gift of writing immortal poetry in their dreams. They too kept a handy pad and pen beside the bed, which they used to scribble down the only fragment of the towering verse that they could remember on waking:
It was a miracle of strange device
A [something totally incongruous- cockroach, perhaps? Better check this one out, too] made of snow and ice ...
Like I say, all in bloody dire need of a tough sub-editor.
Maybe THAT'S what we over here are meant to do with the information that gets 'infused' to us?
Friday 25 November 2011
And there's more!
Here's what else our much-loved deceased slebs have been getting up to in the afterlife, plus some exclusive details of their plans for future incarnations. It all comes to you courtesy of Sylvia Browne and her spirit guide Francine (who had an entire book to fill, so needed to include plenty of material, obviously). You certainly can't say you don't get great value for your money.
Audrey Hepburn seems to have a close friend on the Other Side called Emil. This person has planned to reincarnate some time very soon after the end of this current year in a place near Vancouver. Once they've returned over here, they don't intend to waste any time, as Emil is scheduled to become a successful author before the age of 20. They will achieve this by recreating a book written by Audrey back at Home called For Of Such Is The Kingdom Of God, not to mention also illustrating it in fine watercolours.
Meanwhile, Ray Charles has been busy begun infusing his compositions to a young musical prodigy. The lad was born near the Macon area in Georgia back in 2000, and either his first or last name happens to be Martin. Though he is still so young, he is already receiving recognition for his great talent as both a singer and guitarist. By the time he reaches his mid-teens, Martin will be writing 'Ray Charles' songs without knowing where they come from (just a thought - maybe he is a great fan of Ray Charles during this current incarnation? Therefore Charles would obviously be a major influence on his work?) No less than four of those songs will have been successfully recorded by his 25th birthday.
Everyone's favourite mad-haired genius Albert Einstein reckons that by the 2040s, time travel will be common. How, you may find yourself asking. Apparently we'll all be travelling to and from various periods of history through what he refers to as global 'flues'. What's a 'global flue' when it's at home? See the Bermuda Triangle for further details ... Einstein, Nikola Tesla, Galileo Galilei and George Hale will soon be starting to infuse the theory behind time travel to selected incarnated scientists accross the globe. One of these, beginning in about 2018, will be a young man based at Duke University named Bernard or Bernhard.
Guess what? The King has re-entered the building! Elvis Presley was reincarnated back in late November 2004. In this new life, his hair is blond, but will darken as he gets older, and his eyes are blue. He lives somewhere in France on a vineyard, together with his parents and two brothers. The family has relatives in Italy, so they travel over there several times a year to visit them. Although he will grow up to have just as exquisite a singing voice and great talent as a composer as he did before, he won't be hitting the spotlight this time round. Because he is now a devout Catholic, he will become a monk and work with the poor. All his great musical talents will be devoted to the glory of the Church, not the world.
Farrah Fawcett intends to return for another incarnation in which she becomes famous 'for something which matters', but still needs to finish assessing and processing the achievements of the lifetime she has just finished before she starts making plans for the next one.
Bob Marley fans will be delighted to hear that he has been hard at work writing his autobiography on the Other Side. Once it is complete, he will be infusing it to a woman that his son Ziggy has already met, but doesn't know very well just yet. The chosen lady will make herself apparent to Ziggy at the right time, then together they will see the project through to fruition.
Anna Nicole Smith will eventually be reincarnated, but says there is no particular hurry. Presumably Francine will let Sylvia know once further details of her plans emerge.
The infamous Madalyn Murray O'Hair (to Americans, anyway) is another celebrity who has already been reincarnated. Because she seems to have been a rather dodgy spiritual prospect, following her death, she went straight through a portal known as the Left Door and into another life on earth. She is now a male called Leon or Leonid, who was born somwhere in the vicinity of the western mountains in the Ukraine during June 1996. Francine reports that he is the youngest of four children. Unlike his parents and siblings, who are all 'fine, hardworking people', he is growing up to be hateful, rebellious, dishonest. Although he is still so young, he already appears to be involved in criminal activity of some sort. There are fears he could possibly end up committing some sort of very seriously nasty act when he is older.
Sammy Davis Jr is is yet another famous person planning to return very soon. He will be reborn during 2016. In this upcoming life, he will qualify as a doctor, specialising in paediatrics - possibly with a focus on cystic fibrosis and childhood autism. Although he will do much good work and help many people, unlike his previous one, this life will pass in anonymity.
The immortal icon James Dean will be reincarnating in 2017. As before, he will be an actor, but this time round, he intends to live a safe and steady life, complete with wife and children. To make up for the short duration of his last life, he intends to check out at the ripe old age of 90.
Brittany Murphy reports that she wasn't too impressed by fame in the life she has just finished. This may explain why she will soon come back here as a woman living a really ordinary, average, dare we say boring, life somewhere in Portugal.
Katherine Hepburn and her father may be residing safely on the Other Side, but that doesn't mean to say they lounge about on clouds all day, languidly strumming harps. No, they've been work solidly on the Other Side as medical researchers, specialising in neurological disorders. At the moment they are busy developing a cure for epilepsy.This will be infused to a research team in Sweden, who will announce a major breakthrough during the course of 2019.
As was reported on one of the main Beatles fans websites, George Harrison is currently in training to become a great Hindu guru on the Other Side. (Hopefully he has been so busy with this, he didn't hear what my mother said to the Hari Krishna monk who asked her for a donation on Sun Street!)
It appears the Hepburns aren't the only dead slebs to join scientific projects. John Kennedy Jr and Jackie Kennedy Onassis are claimed to be leading members of a huge research team working on the prenatal detection, treatment and cure of birth defects. This team is actively infusing scientists and medical researchers based in North America, Japan and Brazil. Some sort of collaborative global breakthrough in this area is expected to be announced around 2026.
The much-missed Heath Ledger is already in the middle of sorting out plans for his next lifetime. He intends to reincarnate in the year 2016. Like James Dean, he plans to be an actor again, maybe a film editor too.
When his daughter Michelle is in her early thirties, his new incarnation will re-enter her life. This person will seem an 'oddly familiar stranger' to her, only she'll have no idea why she feels so comfortable with them, almost like she knew them from somewhere before.
So there you have it.
Perhaps I should make a note in my diary to return to all these predictions in 2064 (when I'll be 97 - very possible indeed, given the great ages to which many members of both sides of my family during this current incarnation have managed to reach), and see how they've all panned out.
Audrey Hepburn seems to have a close friend on the Other Side called Emil. This person has planned to reincarnate some time very soon after the end of this current year in a place near Vancouver. Once they've returned over here, they don't intend to waste any time, as Emil is scheduled to become a successful author before the age of 20. They will achieve this by recreating a book written by Audrey back at Home called For Of Such Is The Kingdom Of God, not to mention also illustrating it in fine watercolours.
Meanwhile, Ray Charles has been busy begun infusing his compositions to a young musical prodigy. The lad was born near the Macon area in Georgia back in 2000, and either his first or last name happens to be Martin. Though he is still so young, he is already receiving recognition for his great talent as both a singer and guitarist. By the time he reaches his mid-teens, Martin will be writing 'Ray Charles' songs without knowing where they come from (just a thought - maybe he is a great fan of Ray Charles during this current incarnation? Therefore Charles would obviously be a major influence on his work?) No less than four of those songs will have been successfully recorded by his 25th birthday.
Everyone's favourite mad-haired genius Albert Einstein reckons that by the 2040s, time travel will be common. How, you may find yourself asking. Apparently we'll all be travelling to and from various periods of history through what he refers to as global 'flues'. What's a 'global flue' when it's at home? See the Bermuda Triangle for further details ... Einstein, Nikola Tesla, Galileo Galilei and George Hale will soon be starting to infuse the theory behind time travel to selected incarnated scientists accross the globe. One of these, beginning in about 2018, will be a young man based at Duke University named Bernard or Bernhard.
Guess what? The King has re-entered the building! Elvis Presley was reincarnated back in late November 2004. In this new life, his hair is blond, but will darken as he gets older, and his eyes are blue. He lives somewhere in France on a vineyard, together with his parents and two brothers. The family has relatives in Italy, so they travel over there several times a year to visit them. Although he will grow up to have just as exquisite a singing voice and great talent as a composer as he did before, he won't be hitting the spotlight this time round. Because he is now a devout Catholic, he will become a monk and work with the poor. All his great musical talents will be devoted to the glory of the Church, not the world.
Farrah Fawcett intends to return for another incarnation in which she becomes famous 'for something which matters', but still needs to finish assessing and processing the achievements of the lifetime she has just finished before she starts making plans for the next one.
Bob Marley fans will be delighted to hear that he has been hard at work writing his autobiography on the Other Side. Once it is complete, he will be infusing it to a woman that his son Ziggy has already met, but doesn't know very well just yet. The chosen lady will make herself apparent to Ziggy at the right time, then together they will see the project through to fruition.
Anna Nicole Smith will eventually be reincarnated, but says there is no particular hurry. Presumably Francine will let Sylvia know once further details of her plans emerge.
The infamous Madalyn Murray O'Hair (to Americans, anyway) is another celebrity who has already been reincarnated. Because she seems to have been a rather dodgy spiritual prospect, following her death, she went straight through a portal known as the Left Door and into another life on earth. She is now a male called Leon or Leonid, who was born somwhere in the vicinity of the western mountains in the Ukraine during June 1996. Francine reports that he is the youngest of four children. Unlike his parents and siblings, who are all 'fine, hardworking people', he is growing up to be hateful, rebellious, dishonest. Although he is still so young, he already appears to be involved in criminal activity of some sort. There are fears he could possibly end up committing some sort of very seriously nasty act when he is older.
Sammy Davis Jr is is yet another famous person planning to return very soon. He will be reborn during 2016. In this upcoming life, he will qualify as a doctor, specialising in paediatrics - possibly with a focus on cystic fibrosis and childhood autism. Although he will do much good work and help many people, unlike his previous one, this life will pass in anonymity.
The immortal icon James Dean will be reincarnating in 2017. As before, he will be an actor, but this time round, he intends to live a safe and steady life, complete with wife and children. To make up for the short duration of his last life, he intends to check out at the ripe old age of 90.
Brittany Murphy reports that she wasn't too impressed by fame in the life she has just finished. This may explain why she will soon come back here as a woman living a really ordinary, average, dare we say boring, life somewhere in Portugal.
Katherine Hepburn and her father may be residing safely on the Other Side, but that doesn't mean to say they lounge about on clouds all day, languidly strumming harps. No, they've been work solidly on the Other Side as medical researchers, specialising in neurological disorders. At the moment they are busy developing a cure for epilepsy.This will be infused to a research team in Sweden, who will announce a major breakthrough during the course of 2019.
As was reported on one of the main Beatles fans websites, George Harrison is currently in training to become a great Hindu guru on the Other Side. (Hopefully he has been so busy with this, he didn't hear what my mother said to the Hari Krishna monk who asked her for a donation on Sun Street!)
It appears the Hepburns aren't the only dead slebs to join scientific projects. John Kennedy Jr and Jackie Kennedy Onassis are claimed to be leading members of a huge research team working on the prenatal detection, treatment and cure of birth defects. This team is actively infusing scientists and medical researchers based in North America, Japan and Brazil. Some sort of collaborative global breakthrough in this area is expected to be announced around 2026.
The much-missed Heath Ledger is already in the middle of sorting out plans for his next lifetime. He intends to reincarnate in the year 2016. Like James Dean, he plans to be an actor again, maybe a film editor too.
When his daughter Michelle is in her early thirties, his new incarnation will re-enter her life. This person will seem an 'oddly familiar stranger' to her, only she'll have no idea why she feels so comfortable with them, almost like she knew them from somewhere before.
So there you have it.
Perhaps I should make a note in my diary to return to all these predictions in 2064 (when I'll be 97 - very possible indeed, given the great ages to which many members of both sides of my family during this current incarnation have managed to reach), and see how they've all panned out.
Friday 11 November 2011
How Sings The Gay Sardine?
Here's a bit of a conundrum for you.
American medium Sylvia Browne claims that not a single work in world literature has ever been created by writers in this world, nor are our scientists the ones responsible for devising any of their prize-winning theories over the centuries. Her spirit guide Francine says this is because people on the other side (aka 'Home') knock up all the novels, plays, films, symphonies and theories in their spare moments in between travelling round Atlantis by atomic-powered hovering golf carts, watching Michael Jackson concerts at the ghostly version of the Hollywod Bowl and preparing for their next incarnations. Then they infuse them to the creatives over here whilst we are all sleeping.
Apparently Bette Davis has a mate called Keller or Kellogg who is down to become a great playwright during his (her?) fast approaching new incarnation, starting in north Oregon during 2014. Keller/Kellogg is going to be writing a classic trilogy called 'Houses Of Glass'.
Okay, a century is a bloody long time and we do need replacements for figures like Arthur Miller and Harold Pinter. 'Houses Of Glass' even sounds a plausible topic for a literary classic or three.
Problem is, Keller/Kellogg has already been hard at work on the trilogy long before this upcoming incarnation even starts - and Bette has been helping him/her.
If there is any truth in what Francine claims, then who the hell is going to be the actual author of 'Houses Of Glass'? Keller/Kellogg? Bette Davis? Both?
And when exactly will these three plays get written?
Presumably if Keller/Kellogg does get born in north Oregon during 2014 and grows up to become a playwright, then like me he/she will be expecting to spend quite a bit of time sitting alone at a computer, slurping down gallons of coffee whilst peering anxiously at the screen thinking: "Oh shit! My brain's gone blank!", before spending the next three hours playing Solitaire, checking their e-mails and reading weird junk like 'The Floating Island Of Madness'.
Then, when he/she jolts awake at three o'clock in the morning and rushes for a piece of paper and a pen, he/she will not unnaturally assume that it is their own subconscious that has finally get up off its arse and knuckled down to a bit of work for a change.
It will be Keller/Kellogg who types it all up on the computer and sends it off to playwriting competitions and literary agents, not Bette Davis. It will be Keller/Kellogg who appears on the television accepting awards and on Radio 4 discussing his/her sources of inspiration.
Yet when Albert Einstein passed over, Francine describes how his mentor Isaac Newton came to meet him and congratulate him for all 'his' incredible achievements such as the General Theory of Relativity.
Perhaps I need to tear my own personal scriptwriting team away from the David Garrick/Laurence Olivier marathon season at the Lemurian version of the Old Vic and ask them to get on with finishing the second draft of 'Elvis Alive' in time for the fast approaching deadline.
American medium Sylvia Browne claims that not a single work in world literature has ever been created by writers in this world, nor are our scientists the ones responsible for devising any of their prize-winning theories over the centuries. Her spirit guide Francine says this is because people on the other side (aka 'Home') knock up all the novels, plays, films, symphonies and theories in their spare moments in between travelling round Atlantis by atomic-powered hovering golf carts, watching Michael Jackson concerts at the ghostly version of the Hollywod Bowl and preparing for their next incarnations. Then they infuse them to the creatives over here whilst we are all sleeping.
Apparently Bette Davis has a mate called Keller or Kellogg who is down to become a great playwright during his (her?) fast approaching new incarnation, starting in north Oregon during 2014. Keller/Kellogg is going to be writing a classic trilogy called 'Houses Of Glass'.
Okay, a century is a bloody long time and we do need replacements for figures like Arthur Miller and Harold Pinter. 'Houses Of Glass' even sounds a plausible topic for a literary classic or three.
Problem is, Keller/Kellogg has already been hard at work on the trilogy long before this upcoming incarnation even starts - and Bette has been helping him/her.
If there is any truth in what Francine claims, then who the hell is going to be the actual author of 'Houses Of Glass'? Keller/Kellogg? Bette Davis? Both?
And when exactly will these three plays get written?
Presumably if Keller/Kellogg does get born in north Oregon during 2014 and grows up to become a playwright, then like me he/she will be expecting to spend quite a bit of time sitting alone at a computer, slurping down gallons of coffee whilst peering anxiously at the screen thinking: "Oh shit! My brain's gone blank!", before spending the next three hours playing Solitaire, checking their e-mails and reading weird junk like 'The Floating Island Of Madness'.
Then, when he/she jolts awake at three o'clock in the morning and rushes for a piece of paper and a pen, he/she will not unnaturally assume that it is their own subconscious that has finally get up off its arse and knuckled down to a bit of work for a change.
It will be Keller/Kellogg who types it all up on the computer and sends it off to playwriting competitions and literary agents, not Bette Davis. It will be Keller/Kellogg who appears on the television accepting awards and on Radio 4 discussing his/her sources of inspiration.
Yet when Albert Einstein passed over, Francine describes how his mentor Isaac Newton came to meet him and congratulate him for all 'his' incredible achievements such as the General Theory of Relativity.
Perhaps I need to tear my own personal scriptwriting team away from the David Garrick/Laurence Olivier marathon season at the Lemurian version of the Old Vic and ask them to get on with finishing the second draft of 'Elvis Alive' in time for the fast approaching deadline.
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