Adsense, my arse!

Women's magazines are a treasure trove for absolute bollocks.

Yesterday I happened to be reading the beauty pages in the latest edition of Cosmopolitan. 

Well, it was mostly the same old crap you always get at this time of year - OMG it's bikini time - and I've spent the last nine months gorging on chip butties and custard while hiding out in a burlap yashmak!!!!! Now I've got to throw my winter weeds boldly aside and scamper into the crashing surf at Glastonbury, clutching firmly onto my acoustic guitar as I snog my way right round my sexy celeb boyfriend Matt '11th Doctor Who' Smith.

And my body is such a mess that I'll get blasted right out of the water by the paparazzi (though Matt Smith doesn't seem to mind too much, by the looks of things ... )!!!!!

It can't take the hackettes all that long to write the stuff.  All they need to do is dig out the June issues from 2010, 2009, 2008, 2007, reread them over a cup of coffee and a Jaffa cake, then basically copy all the features.  Just replace last year's itsy-witsy teeny-weeny polka-dot Primark bikini with this year's model and David Tennant with Matt Smith - and bob's your uncle!

However, it turns out that a major scientific breakthrough has been made by all those nice boffins in the white lab coats and Jarvis Cocker specs.

Don't worry, I'll put you out of your misery.

Embedded cellulite.

WTF?

Who thinks this cobblers up?

Of course cellulite is bloody 'embedded'!  It has no choice.  It lives in your bum.  And hips.  And thighs.  So it can't really get out much.  Indeed, it is meant to be there, because you need a cushion to keep your body comfy when you sit or lie down. 

'Embedded cellulite' sounds just like a type of fat that works as a war correspondent, covering events on the frontline in Iraq.