Since we last spoke, I have obtained the script of the Flash Gordon Show (series 1 episode 1 - first broadcast on 27 April 1935) from the Generic Radio Workshop Script Library, via the Simply Scripts website.
The reason I downloaded this and the scripts for three subsequent episodes is so I can learn how radio pulp sci fi series were written back during the Thirties. And yes, it’s American because fast-moving pulp sci fi shows would have been a bit too exciting for the Beeb back then.
For such an ancient piece of history, it still packs an awful lot of incident into the first episode alone. The best way to prove this is for me to recount the plotline to you.
The action kicks off to a brisk start with the discovery that a newly discovered planet is on a collision course with the Earth. Not surprisingly, everyone on the planet is more than a little concerned about the prospect of rapidly impending annihilation.
Flash Gordon and his girlfriend Dale Arden are travelling somewhere or other on a giant airliner, though we never get to find out where or why they are going there.
Such minor details turn out to be immaterial, as suddenly, the plane crashes.
Big, burly hunk of heroism that he is, Flash completely unperterbed by this unexpected (if you’re not writing the script, that is) turn of events. Quickly, he grabs Dale in his arms, leaps out of the plummeting plane and parachutes them both to safety.
Once they’re down and safe, Dale notices a large steel door closing. Flash recognises it as the entrance to the secret laboratory of the great scientist Dr Hans Zarkov, who he decides to ask for help.
Bad move, mate! Dr Zarkov turns out to be yet another stereotypical mad scientist. Instead of assisting them, he loses his rag and accuses them of dropping to steal his secrets.
In retaliation, he forces them to climb into his top secret experimental rocket ship at gun point. Then the ship takes off. Its course is set for the new planet.
Flash tries to persuade Dr Zarkov to swing the rocket ship out of the path of the new planet, but being barmy, Dr Zarkov refuses to listen to all reason. While the ship ducks and dives, he rants and raves his obscure resentments against the world, the universe and humanity.
The ship crashes.
Both Dr Zarkov and Dale are thrown from the rocket ship unconscious. Luckily Flash is thrown to one side of the wreckage and lands on his feet, uninjured. Flash picks Dale up and starts to carry her in the direction of the glittering towers of a distant city.
Once again, the sensible solution turns out to be singularly ill-advised.
Suddenly, soldiers armed with ray guns jump out. They surround Flash and Dale and capture them.
The soldiers take the captives to the throne room of Ming the Merciless, emperor of the planet Mongo and supreme ruler of the universe (or so he thinks).
Flash is a proud and free American who refuses to bow down and worship anybody. He argues with Ming the Merciless.
Ming the Merciless isn’t going to put up with this sort of crap, so he commands his slaves to throw Flash to the red monkey-men in the arena.
Flash is released into the arena, where he knocks out the first monkey-man. Then he picks the stunned simian up and uses him as a flail to knock down all the other ones.
Refusing to be deprived of his cruel revenge, Ming orders the soldiers to destroy Flash with their ray guns.
Before they can shoot, Ming’s beautiful daughter Princess Aura calls Flash to her balcony. Grabbing him by the hand, she leads Flash through a secret door and into a private elevator.
The lift ascends to the private landing pad of her personal rocket car. Aura instructs Flash to climb into the rocket car to escape from Ming’s guards.
Once he’s safely in the car, Flash demands to know how he can now manage to rescue Dale.
Aura explains that obviously he can’t. Now he must love her instead – or die!
Meanwhile, Ming informs Dale that his soldiers will soon recapture Flash. Dale asks what Ming proposes to do with her.
That’s easy. She is very pleasing to him, so he will take her and she will become his new wife. According to Ming, because the men of Mongo don’t have any human traits like love, mercy or kindness, it really doesn’t matter in the least to him whether Dale loves him or not.
A slave rushes in and announces that the lion-men have started bombarding the city in their space gyros. Ming can see the carnage for himself on the ‘spaceograph’ (genuine example of Thirties spacey techno-speak, here).
Ming orders the entire space fleet to attack the space gyros. A terrific aerial battle breaks out. Finally, the men of Mongo manage to drive off the space gyros of the lion-men.
Unfortunately, Princess Aura’s rocket car is blown up during the bombardment. Once more, Flash is in luck. Instead of dying horribly, he is thrown to the ground, unconscious but otherwise uninjured.
Flash comes round to find himself staring into the face of Thun. For those of you who don’t know, this character just happens to be the prince of the lion-men.
Thun demands to know who Flash is and what he is doing there.
Flash explains he is the enemy of Ming the Merciless and is trying to rescue the girl he loves.
In ringing tones, Thun declaims that he and his people are all long-standing enemies of Ming and co. If Flash wants to be his friend, he will gladly help him beat Ming.
Flash knows he can trust his new buddy, so they shake on it.
Thun shows Flash a secret way back into the palace. If they follow the passage, they can get in and rescue Dale.
First they repair to Thun’s handy space gyro to look at the ‘thought projector’ (more genuine Thirties spacey techno-speak!). This shows them not only where Dale is currently being held captive, but the precise route of the secret passage. And it leads straight into the throne room!
The hidden doorway turns out to open onto the top of the altar steps, directly behind Ming’s throne. Flash and Thun are hidden from sight by an enormous and very convenient statue of the god of death.
As they emerge, they hear the wedding procession approach.
Even though Thun warns him that looking round the statue means certain death, Flash peers round it to try and spot Dale.
Ming is furious. He commands his soldiers to pursue Flash and Thun – and kill them!
While Ming is distracted by Flash, Thun quickly guides Dale into the secret passageway.
The soldiers swarm up the altar steps to the attack – until Flash and Thun topple the idol right over onto them.
As the soldiers struggle to help their wounded comrades, Flash, Dale and Thun scarper down the secret passageway. But not for long …
All of a sudden, they slip.
Tumbling down into a whirling underground river, they are swept down by a raging current and over a waterfall into a lake.
Flash swims to the shore with Dale.
But, just as he is about to pull her to safety, she screams - and disappears below the surface of the lake, clutched in two giant green scaly arms.
Flash plunges into the water to Dale’s rescue …
All this takes place in the space of 14 minutes – or rather 12, if you subtract air-time for two breathless and protracted plugs for Hearst Newspapers by the announcer at the beginning and end of the episode.
Much of the action is described by the announcer, rather than being depicted through the medium of sound, even though you do get the odd well-judged sound effect, such as a rocket taking off, an elevator humming and the statue crashing onto the startled soldiers.
Other action is indicated by deplorably clunky dialogue, such as Zarkov ordering Flash and Dale: “Get down this ladder, into this tower. Down, I tell you!”, Dale observing: “Oh, look, Flash! There’s a large steel door. It’s closing!” and Dale explaining: “This rocket ship is breaking away from the Earth with the speed of light. Right into the path of the new planet!”. Still, I suppose she needs something to do, considering that she is too girly to participate in the action and you can’t even see how beautiful she is on the radio.
Despite living in a futuristic, technologically superior society, many of the extra-terrestrials talk in amusingly/irritatingly cod-Biblical jargon. For example, a slave addresses Ming thus: "Oh, thou indulgent Ming, most merciless majesty of Mongo, supreme ruler of all the peoples of the new planet, thy slaves salute thee.”
Thun asks Flash: “Who are thou, white-skinned youth? Speak!” Note that Ming and Aura both address Flash as ‘you’ rather than ‘thee’, despite the fact that ‘you’ is the politer and more modern form of the third person singular in English.
God only knows what happens in episode 2. I’m still too knackered to attempt it just yet.
